


shit was so stale folks kept breaking their teeth on it james cameron lost a class action suit dude had to foot the dental bills for like ten thousand poor toothless sons of bitches

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22532173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat draw some masterpieces. Yes you get to see them.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 31
Kudos: 275





	shit was so stale folks kept breaking their teeth on it james cameron lost a class action suit dude had to foot the dental bills for like ten thousand poor toothless sons of bitches

DAVE: oh my god karkat  
DAVE: what the fuck IS this thing  
KARKAT: SHUT UP!  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT DONE!  
DAVE: dude i dont think more attention to detail is gonna help this atrocity  
DAVE: you should just leave it like it is  
DAVE: seriously man just stop drawing put this thing out of its misery  
DAVE: its clearly in pain  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: I AM NOT GONNA FUCKING STOP UNTIL I’M GOOD AND READY TO STOP!  
KARKAT: AND I’M NOT GONNA BE READY TO STOP UNTIL I’VE DRAWN SOMETHING YOU CAN FUCKING RECOGNIZE!  
DAVE: i  
DAVE: jesus  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: i am never gonna recognize this thing ok  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
KARKAT: WELL THEN JUST FUCKING GUESS!  
DAVE: dude i cant just guess  
DAVE: that defeats the whole point of the exercise  
DAVE: you draw an IDENTIFIABLE object we can both agree on  
DAVE: i tell you what we called it on earth  
DAVE: you tell me what you called it on alternia  
DAVE: we cheer  
DAVE: we high five  
DAVE: we laugh and we learn  
DAVE: this shit...  
DAVE: dude were never gonna be able to agree on what the fuck this thing is  
DAVE: im just gonna say an earth word  
DAVE: youre gonna say a troll word  
DAVE: and were gonna be at fuckin impasse city  
DAVE: population you  
DAVE: me  
DAVE: and whatever the FUCK this drawing is  


  


DAVE: are you fucking done at least  
KARKAT: YEAH, I’M DONE.  
DAVE: uhhhh  
KARKAT: YOU WANT A HINT?  
DAVE: yes please  
DAVE: as many as you got  
KARKAT: IT’S AN ANIMAL.  
DAVE: thats an ANIMAL??  
KARKAT: YES IT’S A FUCKING ANIMAL!  
KARKAT: IT HAS FUCKING LEGS!  
DAVE: shit everything on your planet had legs honestly i was leanin toward toaster now i gotta start my thought process all over from scratch  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD IT’S NOT *THAT* BAD!  
DAVE: yes it is karkat it is so unbelievably that bad  
KARKAT: AUUGH!  
DAVE: man this is so pointless  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: just tell me what this things called  
DAVE: maybe i can get it from your stupid troll word  
KARKAT: BUT THAT DEFEATS THE POINT OF THE EXERCISE, DAVE!  
DAVE: dude the exercise is defeated  
DAVE: the opposing army showed up with a big wooden horse  
DAVE: but they just abandoned it outside they didnt even need it  
DAVE: the exercise just left the fuckin front door open with a big welcome sign on it  
DAVE: and also forgot to bring all its guns to the war  
DAVE: it just partied all night and got drunk and called up the other army and invited it over  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: IT’S A LONGNECKBEAST.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: motherfucker thats a GIRAFFE?  
KARKAT: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!  
KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT YOU IDIOTS CALLED A LONGNECKBEAST??  
DAVE: uh probably  
DAVE: its like twenty feet tall  
DAVE: kinda yellow with brown spots  
DAVE: creepy long tongue  
DAVE: horns on its head  
DAVE: or did just fuckin everything have horns on your planet  
KARKAT: NO, FUCKING EVERYTHING DIDN’T HAVE HORNS!  
KARKAT: BUT UH  
KARKAT: YEAH, LONGNECKBEASTS DID.  
KARKAT: AND THAT’S PRETTY MUCH IT.  
KARKAT: WHAT YOU JUST DESCRIBED.  
DAVE: well then there ya go  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: *GIRAFFE??*  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?  
DAVE: it doesnt MEAN shit  
DAVE: it just means fucking giraffe!  
DAVE: thats how a language is supposed to goddamn work  
KARKAT: NO IT’S FUCKING NOT!  
KARKAT: THAT’S SO CONFUSING!  
KARKAT: JESUS WHY ARE WE EVEN DRAWING IN THE FIRST PLACE?  


  


KARKAT: WE COULD JUST BE DESCRIBING SHIT TO EACH OTHER.  
KARKAT: THAT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER.  
DAVE: because thats not how the fucking exercise works thats why karkat  
KARKAT: YOU JUST SAID THE EXERCISE WAS DEFEATED!  
KARKAT: IT GOT DRUNK AND APPARENTLY FUCKING BOOTYCALLED THE ENEMY!  
DAVE: oh no  
DAVE: no no no  
DAVE: the exercise was just fakin  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY?  
DAVE: yeah dead serious bro the exercise was playin the long con  
DAVE: its just been drinkin seltzer all night  
DAVE: plus its been takin improv classes at the community college  
DAVE: so it could pull off the perfect ruse  
DAVE: its got the enemy right where it wants it  
KARKAT: UGH. FINE.  
KARKAT: BUT I’M NOT DRAWING THIS TIME.  
KARKAT: I’VE TAKEN ENOUGH FUCKING RIDICULE.  
KARKAT: YOU’RE DOING ONE.  
DAVE: oh damn fuckin right i am  
DAVE: i am gonna draw you the best fucking giraffe youve ever seen karkat  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
KARKAT: YOU CAN’T JUST DRAW ANOTHER GIRAFFE, DAVE!  
KARKAT: I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW WHAT IT IS!  
KARKAT: THIS ISN’T HOW THE EXERCISE FUCKING WORKS AT ALL!  
DAVE: the exercise changed karkat keep up  
KARKAT: UGGH.  
DAVE: yeah thats right the exercise just WANTED you to think it was about linguistic exchange  
DAVE: when in fact all along it was about feats of artistic prowess  
KARKAT: OH WAS IT.  
DAVE: yes karkat it fucking was  
DAVE: and you fell on your fucking face straight out the gate  
DAVE: now its my turn  
KARKAT: OK. FINE. LET’S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.  
DAVE: oh youre gonna see alright  
DAVE: gonna see giraffes in a whole new light  
DAVE: sides of giraffes you never knew existed are gonna be illuminated by my blinding artistic light karkat  
DAVE: unholy giraffe angles your simple mind cant comprehend  
KARKAT: ARE YOU FUCKING DONE YET?  
DAVE: i donno man you tell me  
DAVE: boom  


  


KARKAT: OH MY *GOD!*  
DAVE: now thats a fucking giraffe  
KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST, DAVE!  
DAVE: something wrong dude  
KARKAT: YES! SOMETHING IS *VERY* WRONG, AND IT’S THIS FUCKING UNHOLY MANGLED CHIMERA YOU JUST WILLED INTO EXISTENCE WITH YOUR DISEASED MIND!  
DAVE: i donno what to tell ya bro  
DAVE: thats what they looked like on earth  
KARKAT: NO THEY FUCKING DIDN’T, DAVE!  
KARKAT: YOU LITERALLY JUST DESCRIBED ONE TO ME IN FUCKING DETAIL!  
KARKAT: AND NOT ONLY DID THAT DESCRIPTION NOT INCLUDE A FUCKING HORRIFIC HUMAN HEAD, IT ALSO SOUNDED EXACTLY LIKE MY OWN PLANET’S FUCKING LONGNECKBEASTS!  
KARKAT: IT’S CLEARLY THE SAME FUCKING ANIMAL!  
KARKAT: I KNOW *EXACTLY* WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE!  
DAVE: hey its artistic license  
DAVE: yours wasnt exactly the pinnacle of photorealism either karkat cmon  
KARKAT: YEAH BUT I WAS TRYING!  
DAVE: dude that is a very brave admission  
KARKAT: OH FUCK YOU!  
DAVE: i wish i could be as confident as you karkat i really do  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
KARKAT: DRAW ME ANOTHER ONE!  
KARKAT: DRAW ME A FUCKING LONGNECKBEAST THAT *DOESN’T* HAVE FUCKING SWEET BRO FOR A HEAD!  
DAVE: uh actually thats hella jeff im kinda hurt you dont know the difference  
KARKAT: FOR FUCK’S SAKE!  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT EITHER!  
KARKAT: AND I DON’T WANT THE OTHER ONE!  
DAVE: geromy  
KARKAT: FUCKING GEROMY!  
KARKAT: THAT’S RIGHT, ASSHOLE!  
KARKAT: NONE OF THEM ARE ALLOWED WITHIN A TEN MILE RADIUS OF YOUR NEXT DRAWING!  
KARKAT: JUST  
KARKAT: DRAW ME  
KARKAT: A FUCKING  
KARKAT: GIRAFFE.  
DAVE: already did bro  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY?  
DAVE: yeah while you were gettin your rant on i was bein proactive its our classic dynamic that everyone knows and loves  
DAVE: check it  


  


KARKAT: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE DAVE!  
DAVE: hey man i followed your specifications to the letter  
DAVE: it wasnt easy but i persevered  
KARKAT: HOW...  
KARKAT: HOW DID YOU GET THE BODY TO LOOK SO SIMILAR?  
DAVE: im really fucking good at drawing  
KARKAT: NO, I’M SERIOUS.  
DAVE: yeah me too  
KARKAT: BUT IT’S LIKE...  
KARKAT: IT’S *EXACTLY* THE SAME.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?  
DAVE: sorry karkat i know it must be hard to be in the presence of artistic greatness  
DAVE: especially when you suck so fucking much  
KARKAT: DO ANOTHER ONE.  
DAVE: hey sure why not  
KARKAT: BUT!  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: DO IT WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED.  
DAVE: seriously  
KARKAT: YES. THE EXERCISE JUST CHANGED AGAIN, STRIDER.  
DAVE: haha yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH. IT DID.  
KARKAT: THIS TIME IT CALLED ME.  
KARKAT: IT WAS STONE COLD SOBER.  
KARKAT: AND IT TOLD ME TO TELL YOU TO FUCKING CLOSE YOUR EYES AND DRAW ANOTHER DICK GIRAFFE.  
DAVE: hahaha  
DAVE: sure thing bro i love a challenge  
KARKAT: FUCK, WAIT!  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT, DAVE.  
KARKAT: I CAN’T TELL IF YOUR FUCKING EYES ARE CLOSED OR NOT!  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: TAKE YOUR STUPID FUCKING SUNGLASSES OFF.  
DAVE: whoa  
DAVE: naw  
DAVE: we dont need to do that  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD, DAVE, I’M NOT GONNA SEE YOUR EYES!  
KARKAT: THEY’RE GONNA BE *CLOSED.*  
KARKAT: THAT’S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF THE EXERCISE!  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ug  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: fine  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: is my pen on the paper  
KARKAT: EH, MORE OR LESS.  
DAVE: oh what  
DAVE: cmon karkat fucking move my hand to the middle of the paper  
KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST!  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW YOU COULD DO THIS YOUR FUCKING SELF IF YOU’D LET ME SEE YOUR STUPID EYES.  
DAVE: naw  
KARKAT: FUCK. WHATEVER.  
KARKAT: I’M NOT IN THE MOOD TO BEAT THAT PARTICULAR TOPIC TO DEATH RIGHT NOW.  
DAVE: cool me neither  
DAVE: am i good  
KARKAT: YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT SMACK IN THE CENTER.  
KARKAT: FUCKING HAVE AT IT.  
DAVE: k  


  


KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK??  
DAVE: see  
DAVE: whatd i tell you im a master  
KARKAT: THIS IS HONESTLY STARTING TO CREEP ME OUT.  
DAVE: perfect execution  
KARKAT: THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.  
DAVE: dude anything is possible with imagination i dont remember who taught me that it was prolly levar burton or some shit  
KARKAT: DRAW ME ANOTHER!  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: YOU HEARD ME, STRIDER!  
KARKAT: FUCKING CLOSE YOUR EYES, TAKE OFF YOUR SUNGLASSES, AND DRAW ME ANOTHER DICK GIRAFFE!  
DAVE: hey bro sure im so fuckin happy to  
DAVE: i can do this all day  
DAVE: i am in my element  
DAVE: my natural habitat  
DAVE: itd be a little more natural if i had my shades but whatev-  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: whoa  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: what the fuck are you doing karkat  
DAVE: get the fuck off me  


  


DAVE: what the fuck  
DAVE: whyd you do that man that was gonna be another one for the books  
DAVE: it was gonna be solid gold  
DAVE: an instant classic  
KARKAT: IT WAS GONNA BE A PIECE OF SHIT, DAVE!  
KARKAT: EERILY IDENTICAL TO ALL YOUR OTHER PIECES OF SHIT!  
DAVE: yeah exactly and it was gonna be awesome  
DAVE: and now its been sullied  
DAVE: by outside influence  
DAVE: why the fuck did you do that  
KARKAT: HONESTLY?  
KARKAT: I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU *COULD* DRAW SOMETHING DIFFERENT.  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: well now you know spell broken  
DAVE: ok now you gotta do one with your eyes shut  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
DAVE: uh hell yes really  
DAVE: this is a team effort here  
DAVE: fuckin eye for an eye  
DAVE: or in this case no eyes  
DAVE: i bared my soul here karkat  
DAVE: showed you just how deep the dicks go  
KARKAT: EUGH!  
DAVE: cmon karkat  
DAVE: you can do it  
DAVE: shut your eyes and draw me a giraffe  
DAVE: or yknow a dick giraffe whatever makes you more comfortable bro  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: FINE.  
KARKAT: HERE WE GO.  


  


DAVE: bahahahahah  
KARKAT: OH FUCK!  
DAVE: hahahaha holy shit dude  
KARKAT: YOU FUCKING MOVED THE PAPER!  
KARKAT: YOU PIECE OF SHIT, I KNOW YOU DID!  
DAVE: no i swear to god dude i didnt  
DAVE: that was all you bro  
DAVE: man how the hell are you so uncoordinated you are the least coordinated person i have ever seen how the fuck do you even stand jesus christ  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!  
DAVE: hoo boy i hope whoever takes this meteor on a three year trip to certain death slash maybe immortality next likes shitty giraffes  
DAVE: cuz i dont think thats ever comin off  
KARKAT: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.  
DAVE: hahahaha  
DAVE: amazing  
KARKAT: OH SHUT UP ALL YOU CAN DRAW IS DICK GIRAFFES!  
DAVE: no way thats not true  
DAVE: youve seen me draw all hells of other stuff  
DAVE: shit i drew a hella gireff a couple minutes ago  
DAVE: thats what i call-  
KARKAT: YEAH, I FUCKING GET IT, DAVE. YOU DON’T HAVE TO FUCKING EXPLAIN THAT ONE TO ME, FOR GOD’S SAKE.  
KARKAT: BUT WHAT I MEAN IS...  
KARKAT: ALL YOU CAN DRAW ARE *SPIRITUAL* DICK GIRAFFES.  
DAVE: holy shit karkat that is such a beautiful string of words you have no idea  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING MEAN!  
KARKAT: YOU WON’T EVEN *TRY* TO DRAW ANYTHING GOOD!  
DAVE: what the stuff i draw is great  
KARKAT: NO IT’S NOT, DAVE.  
KARKAT: IT SUCKS.  
KARKAT: AND YOU KNOW IT SUCKS.  
KARKAT: AND THAT’S WHY YOU LIKE IT.  
DAVE: yeah ok thats true  
DAVE: that is an apt description of my personal brand and style karkat  
DAVE: ill fully own that no disagreement here at all  
KARKAT: OK BUT...  
KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER EVEN *TRIED* TO DRAW SOMETHING THAT’S NOT TEN TONS OF BULLSHIT.  
DAVE: im not following karkat you totally lost me  
DAVE: are these more troll words  
KARKAT: COME ON, DAVE.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW.  
DAVE: oh no  
KARKAT: DRAW ME SOMETHING GOOD.  
DAVE: ug man no  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, DAVE!  
KARKAT: THIS IS THE FINAL FORM OF THE EXERCISE AND FRANKLY I THINK IT’S THE ONLY ONE THAT MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE.  
KARKAT: I WANT YOU  
KARKAT: TO TRY  
KARKAT: WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT  
KARKAT: TO DRAW SOMETHING THAT’S NOT COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT.  
DAVE: damn karkat i dont know if you know what youre asking of me here  
DAVE: like the full ramifications of this request are clearly beyond your grasp  
KARKAT: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.  
KARKAT: AND I SUSPECT  
KARKAT: DEEP DOWN IN MY BLOOD PUSHER I HAVE A SLIVER OF A HUNCH  
KARKAT: THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT THIS SHIT.  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: why the fuck would you think that man  
KARKAT: OH COME THE FUCK ON, DAVE!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE SO FUCKING CREATIVE!  
KARKAT: AND THE FACT THAT YOU CAN DRAW THIS PIECE OF SHIT PERFECTLY EVERY TIME MEANS YOU ALMOST DEFINITELY HAVE SOME KIND OF *ACTUAL* TALENT SIMMERING UNDER THE THICK FROTHY LAYER OF BULLSHIT.  
DAVE: yeah its talent for bullshit where do you think all that froths comin from  
KARKAT: NO FUCKING WAY.  
KARKAT: I MEAN YOU OBVIOUSLY DO HAVE TALENT FOR BULLSHIT.  
KARKAT: THAT TALENT HAS BEEN FUCKING LOVINGLY NURTURED LIKE A BABY BIRD WITH A FUCKING BROKEN WING.  
DAVE: aw  
KARKAT: BUT SERIOUSLY, DAVE!  
KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER IN YOUR LIFE TRIED TO DRAW SOMETHING EARNESTLY?  
KARKAT: WHAT IF, GOD FORBID, IT’S ACTUALLY GOOD?  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: COME THE FUCK ON, DAVE!  
KARKAT: WHAT COULD IT HURT?  
KARKAT: JUST...  
KARKAT: DRAW ME A FUCKING GIRAFFE WITHOUT A GIANT DICK OR HELLA JEFF’S HEAD.  
KARKAT: LET’S SEE WHAT THE FUCK IS UNDER THERE.  
KARKAT: I’D REALLY LIKE TO KNOW.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: i guess i can do that  
KARKAT: YOU’RE ACTUALLY GONNA DO IT?  
DAVE: yeah i guess  
DAVE: fuck it  
DAVE: why the fuck not right  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: OK, COOL.  
DAVE: can you uh  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: can you like  
DAVE: turn around?  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: YEAH, SURE.  
DAVE: thanks  
KARKAT: TAKE YOUR TIME.  
DAVE: yeah ok  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok um  
DAVE: dont turn around yet!  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: im done  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: yeah um  
DAVE: so i tried to do what you said  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: listen  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: you gotta remember  
DAVE: i dont have any like  
DAVE: training or anything ok  
KARKAT: YEAH OF COURSE!  
DAVE: so like  
DAVE: its not gonna be that great  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: im really kinda not used to this to be honest  
DAVE: so can you like  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: dude can you promise you wont laugh  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I LAUGH, DAVE?  
DAVE: shit i donno  
DAVE: if its like  
DAVE: not what you expect  
KARKAT: DAVE, COME ON. I’M NOT GONNA LAUGH.  
DAVE: you promise?  
KARKAT: YES, OF FUCKING COURSE I PROMISE! YOU’RE SHOWING ME SOMETHING PERSONAL.  
KARKAT: SOMETHING YOU’RE ANXIOUS ABOUT.  
KARKAT: I WOULD NEVER LAUGH AT YOU FOR THAT, DAVE.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: ok here it is  


  


KARKAT: YOU MOTHER *FUCKER!!!*  
DAVE: hahaha  
KARKAT: YOU SHIT SLINGING GRUB FISTING SOPOR SWILLING MOTHER *FUCKER!!!!*  
DAVE: hahahahahahaha  
KARKAT: GOD *DAMMIT* DAVE, STOP LAUGHING!!  
DAVE: hahaha nope  
DAVE: not gonna happen  
KARKAT: YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, *YOU* MADE *ME* PROMISE NOT TO LAUGH!!  
DAVE: and youre not man  
DAVE: thank you so much for respecting my wishes  
DAVE: thats very big of you  
DAVE: dont think i didnt notice that shit  
KARKAT: I’M NOT LAUGHING BECAUSE I’M SO PISSED OFF, DAVE!!  
DAVE: hahaha  
KARKAT: OH, YOU DON’T WANT ME TO LAUGH??  
KARKAT: TOO FUCKING BAD!  
KARKAT: HA!  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHA!  
KARKAT: HOW’S IT FEEL DAVE?  
KARKAT: HOW’S IT FUCKING FEEL??  
DAVE: i feel slightly betrayed but i forgive you karkat  
DAVE: i know full well how hard it is not to laugh at my scampish antics  
DAVE: greater men than you have fallen  
KARKAT: GOD *FUCKING* DAMMIT!  
DAVE: you thought it was gonna be good didnt you  
KARKAT: NO!  
DAVE: you totally did you thought i was gonna have a beautiful hidden artistic talent  
DAVE: nestled far beneath all my bullshit  
KARKAT: NO I FUCKING DIDN’T!  
DAVE: deep within dave strider lurks the pure soul of an artist  
DAVE: his talents unschooled yes  
DAVE: but undeniable  
DAVE: coming from a broken home on the mean streets of houston he shrouds his abilities with mockery and disdain  
DAVE: til one no-nonsense troll with a flair for the dramatic and a heart of gold sees him for what he truly is  
KARKAT: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.  
DAVE: and breaks him out of his shell  
KARKAT: DAVE THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS.  
DAVE: i donno i think it sounds like a beautiful inspiring move from the 90s  
DAVE: im a young hitherto unheard of matt damon in my first big role  
DAVE: and youre troll michael caine  
DAVE: ohh shit no  
DAVE: ill be troll damon  
DAVE: and you be human caine  
DAVE: casting against type  
DAVE: critics are gonna eat it up  
DAVE: total oscar bait  
KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT, DAVE.  
KARKAT: WHY AM I MICHAEL CAINE?  
DAVE: whats wrong with that  
DAVE: michael caines fucking awesome  
KARKAT: SURE, BUT HE’S OLD.  
KARKAT: WHY AM I SO MUCH OLDER THAN YOU?  
DAVE: cuz its gotta fit the dynamic obviously  
DAVE: cmon man cider house rules scent of a woman  
DAVE: fuckin good will hunting  
DAVE: its a tried and true formula  
DAVE: if it succeeded that many times a decade and a half ago on a dead planet  
DAVE: theres literally no reason to believe it wont succeed again now  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU, DAVE! IT’S NOT GONNA SUCCEED!  
KARKAT: BECAUSE *APPARENTLY* YOU DON’T FUCKING *HAVE* ANY INNATE HIDDEN TALENT!  
DAVE: yeah but you totally expected me to didnt you  
DAVE: thats the twist thats whats gonna set our movie apart  
DAVE: old michael caine comes and peers over troll damons shoulder  
DAVE: dudes been drawing feverishly all night  
DAVE: hes expecting greatness  
DAVE: the music swells  
DAVE: the audience is on the edge of their seats  
DAVE: and damons just pumpin out dick giraffes  
DAVE: hes got a whole stack of em  
KARKAT: UGGH!  
DAVE: cmon karkat were subverting expectations  
DAVE: its gonna be a hit  
KARKAT: NO IT’S FUCKING NOT, DAVE!  
KARKAT: THERE IS NO FUCKING MOVIE!  
KARKAT: NOBODY IS FUCKING MICHAEL CAINE, TROLL OR OTHERWISE!  
KARKAT: ALL THERE IS IS YOU  
KARKAT: AND ME  
KARKAT: AND YOU BEING AN ASSHOLE TO ME MAKING ME THINK YOU’RE GONNA OPEN UP AND SHOW ME SOMETHING REAL AND THEN BACKING OUT AT THE LAST SECOND LIKE A FUCKING USELESS SHRED SOMEBODY RIPPED OFF THE BRIM OF AN ASSHAT TO WIPE THE DOGSHIT OFF THEIR SHOE!  
DAVE: damn dude  
KARKAT: I MEAN *FUCK!*  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: look  
DAVE: i donno if this helps or what  
DAVE: maybe it just makes it worse  
DAVE: but uh  
DAVE: this is actually how i draw  
KARKAT: WHAT? DICKS?  
KARKAT: THAT’S *HOW* YOU DRAW??  
DAVE: uh kinda  
KARKAT: DICKS ISN’T A FUCKING “HOW,” DAVE!  
DAVE: ok also the sbahj shit  
DAVE: maybe i had talent once  
DAVE: i donno  
DAVE: but if i did it has been long buried beneath the sands of bulbous asses and porkchop mouths and phalluses  
KARKAT: NO. THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE.  
DAVE: eh  
DAVE: believe it or not its true  
DAVE: when the muse speaks thats what she tells me  
DAVE: she leans in real close to my ear and whispers  
DAVE: diiiiiicks  
KARKAT: YOU ARE SO FUCKING LUCKY ROSE ISN'T HERE TO HEAR THIS.  
DAVE: hahaha oh my god yeah  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: please dont ever tell her i said that  
KARKAT: WE’LL SEE.  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: yeah anyway  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: sorry if i betrayed your trust or whatever  
KARKAT: UGGH.  
KARKAT: IT’S FINE, DAVE. HONESTLY I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’D DO WITH A SINCERE ATTEMPT AT EXPRESSION FROM YOU, CREATIVE OR OTHERWISE.  
DAVE: hell i dont know either  
DAVE: no living being has been exposed to its rays and lived  
DAVE: if anything im protecting you  
DAVE: because i care about you so much  
KARKAT: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
DAVE: heh  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: WHY DON’T YOU DRAW ME?  
DAVE: haha really  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK NOT?  
KARKAT: IF YOU’RE GONNA BE AN UNCOOPERATIVE PIECE OF SHIT, WE CAN AT LEAST HAVE SOME FUCKING FUN WITH IT.  
KARKAT: DRAW ME.  
DAVE: like one of your french girls  
KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT DAVE.  
KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: THAT JOKE’S GOTTEN SO STALE JUST ON THIS METEOR, I CAN’T FUCKING *IMAGINE* HOW STALE IT MUST’VE BEEN ON EARTH.  
DAVE: oh bro it was unreal  
DAVE: shit was so stale folks kept breaking their teeth on it  
DAVE: james cameron lost a class action suit  
DAVE: dude had to foot the dental bills for like ten thousand poor toothless sons of bitches  
DAVE: it was an international scandal  
KARKAT: UH HUH.  
DAVE: trial of the fuckin century  
KARKAT: OK WELL FOR THE SAKE OF KEEPING MY TEETH INTACT I THINK I’LL JUST SETTLE FOR ASKING YOU TO DRAW ME NORMALLY.  
DAVE: ok if you insist  
KARKAT: OR AT LEAST AS NORMALLY AS YOU CAN FUCKING MANAGE.  
KARKAT: DRAW ME LIKE...  
KARKAT: LIKE ONE OF YOUR BULBOUS PORKCHOP MOUTHED MONSTROSITIES, DAVE.  
DAVE: gasp  
KARKAT: HAHA DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY THE WORD “GASP?"  
DAVE: yes i fucking did karkat  
DAVE: because that was the most beautiful fucking thing anyone has ever said to me  
DAVE: jesus christ dude you keep that up were gonna have to steam up an old timey car  
KARKAT: OH YEAH?  
DAVE: yeah with a hibachi grill cuz were havin a sick bbq in there  
DAVE: what the fuck were you thinkin karkat i bet it was hella gay  
KARKAT: I’M THINKING IF WE DO YOUR SCENARIO WE’RE GONNA FUCKING DIE OF CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING, DAVE.  
DAVE: hey whatever this boats goin down anyway  
DAVE: if i gotta go i wanna be the motherfucker who died on the titanic cuz he tried to grill in a car  
KARKAT: HAHAHA!  
DAVE: yeah we get up to the pearly gates  
DAVE: saint peters there just havin another boring day at the office  
DAVE: hes way backed up on paperwork cuz this big boat just sank  
DAVE: oh wow two more for the titanic huh he says  
DAVE: all suppressing a yawn  
DAVE: he glances up at us all casual  
DAVE: then does a big exaggerated comedic double take  
DAVE: and says why the FUCK are you idiots eating hot dogs  
KARKAT: HAHAHA!  
DAVE: is it too soon for titanic humor do you think  
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK SO.  
KARKAT: IT HAPPENED TEN THOUSAND YEARS AGO ON MY PLANET.  
DAVE: oh really  
DAVE: damn  
DAVE: ok i think were good  
DAVE: anybody gets upset well tell em we were talkin about troll titanic the whole time  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: NOW ARE YOU GONNA FUCKING DRAW ME OR WHAT, DAVE?  
DAVE: oh shit yeah  
DAVE: yeah i definitely am actually  
DAVE: ok ok  
DAVE: close your eyes  
KARKAT: FINE.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok you ready  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: open your eyes  


  


KARKAT: OH WHAT THE FUCK!!!  
DAVE: hahaha  
KARKAT: YOU ABSOLUTE SHITHUFFING FUCKWEASEL!!  
DAVE: hey chill  
DAVE: chill  
DAVE: i did a real one too  
DAVE: here  


  


KARKAT: BAHAHAHA!  
DAVE: you like it  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING *GOD* DAVE!  
KARKAT: I...  
KARKAT: I ACTUALLY KINDA DO!  
DAVE: yeah?  
KARKAT: HAHA YEAH!  
KARKAT: THIS IS...  
KARKAT: THIS IS HORRIFIC.  
KARKAT: IS THIS WHAT I LOOK LIKE TO YOU?  
KARKAT: THIS IS HOW YOU SEE ME?  
DAVE: yeah sorta  
DAVE: like i started all photorealistic  
KARKAT: OH YEAH, I CAN TELL.  
DAVE: yeah but then halfway through i got bored with that  
DAVE: so i decided to just draw your essence  
KARKAT: MY ESSENCE.  
DAVE: yeah this is what your soul looks like dude  
KARKAT: BAHAHA!  
DAVE: its like that one junji ito comic  
DAVE: or i guess dorian grey  
DAVE: i donno man take your pick  
DAVE: whichever one you had a fucking troll version of  
KARKAT: ACTUALLY WE HAD BOTH.  
DAVE: oh yeah?  
KARKAT: UH HUH.  
DAVE: damn the elusive double cultural reference landing  
DAVE: never before achieved  
DAVE: i guess score one for that being a really fucking common literary trope  
KARKAT: HAHA, YEAH.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: JESUS THIS THING IS BAD.  
DAVE: but you like it  
KARKAT: I...  
KARKAT: I FUCKING LOVE IT DAVE.  
KARKAT: THANK YOU.  
DAVE: no problem man  
DAVE: ok now you gotta do me  
KARKAT: OH I DO?  
DAVE: shit yes i dont work for free  
DAVE: its incredibly fucking hard to make a living as an artist karkat  
DAVE: you of all people should know that since you suck at it so much  
KARKAT: HEH.  
DAVE: so cmon bro  
DAVE: fuckin kate winslet me up  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: BUT YOU CAN’T LOOK!  
DAVE: sure no problem  
KARKAT: THAT MEANS TURN THE FUCK AROUND, DAVE!  
KARKAT: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA IF YOUR EYES ARE CLOSED OR NOT!  
DAVE: but then youre not gonna be able to see my face  
KARKAT: I FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE, DAVE!  
KARKAT: I’VE LOOKED AT FUCKING LITTLE ELSE FOR THE PAST HOWEVER MANY FUCKING MONTHS!  
KARKAT: I COULD DRAW YOU WITH MY FUCKING EYES CLOSED.  
DAVE: you better not  
DAVE: youll fuck up that beautiful giraffe you already drew on the table  
KARKAT: OH SHUT THE FUCK *UP!*  
KARKAT: AND TURN AROUND!!  
DAVE: ok fine  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: THANK YOU!  
KARKAT: NOW FUCKING STAY LIKE THAT!  
DAVE: will do  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: are you done yet  
KARKAT: NO!  
DAVE: cmon man  
DAVE: how longs this gonna take  
KARKAT: HOLD ON HOLD ON!  
KARKAT: DON’T FUCKING RUSH ME!  
DAVE: dude you know if you actually take a long time you dont get to claim you were “in a hurry” when it turns out it sucks  
KARKAT: YEAH I KNOW, I KNOW!  
DAVE: ok cool  
DAVE: as long as you know  
DAVE: im just sayin is all  
DAVE: youre playin a dangerous game here karkat i wanna make sure youre aware of all the rules  
KARKAT: YEAH, I’M FUCKING AWARE.  
KARKAT: JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME CONCENTRATE!  
DAVE: fine  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: so are you almost done or  
KARKAT: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, DAVE!  
KARKAT: YES, I AM!  
KARKAT: BUT IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU ASKING!  
KARKAT: I JUST HAPPENED TO FINISH AT THE SAME TIME.  
DAVE: so i can turn around  
KARKAT: YEP.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: HERE YOU GO.  


  


DAVE: ha  
DAVE: hahaha  
DAVE: hahahahahaha  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: holy fucking shit  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU THINK?  
DAVE: oh my god dude i love it  
DAVE: i love it so fucking much  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: jesus christ yes  
DAVE: im gonna hang this shit up in my locker  
DAVE: tenderly kiss my fingertips and press em to this picture between classes  
DAVE: gaze at it for inspiration before i go win the big game  
DAVE: because im the star of the football squad  
DAVE: its me  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY?  
DAVE: cmon karkat youve seen more than enough earth movies to know that is the HIGHEST honor a man can bestow  
KARKAT: I GUESS IT IS.  
KARKAT: I’M TOUCHED, DAVE.  
DAVE: yeah you fuckin should be  
DAVE: course i dont have a locker  
DAVE: so i guess im just gonna have to tape it up on the wall next to my bed  
DAVE: so every morning when i wake up  
DAVE: the first thing im gonna see is my horrific molten misshapen head smiling benevolently down on me  
DAVE: out of two grossly disproportioned eyes  
DAVE: no two things on a face should be such different sizes karkat  
DAVE: that is physically impossible  
DAVE: you have defied the laws of face physics with this drawing  
KARKAT: IT’S PERSPECTIVE, ASSHOLE!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE LOOKING OFF TO THE SIDE, SO ONE OF YOUR EYES IS IN THE FUCKING FOREGROUND!  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: oh shit wait  
DAVE: really  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: bahahaha  
KARKAT: I JUST REALLY REALLY SUCK AT DRAWING.  
DAVE: oh my god you really really do  
DAVE: hahaha  
DAVE: holy fuck i cant breathe  
DAVE: i think  
DAVE: i think my favorite thing about this  
DAVE: actually scratch that i fuckin KNOW my favorite thing about this piece of shit drawing karkat  
DAVE: is that you worked so hard on it  
DAVE: like this is legitimately your best effort  
DAVE: you were actually trying  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT YOU WERE ACTUALLY TRYING TOO, DAVE.  
DAVE: yeah yeah sure  
DAVE: but when i actually try it comes out lookin like i DIDNT try  
DAVE: which is cool as hell  
KARKAT: UH HUH.  
DAVE: you on the other hand  
DAVE: i mean god damn  
DAVE: i think im in love  
DAVE: i am actually in love with this drawing karkat  
KARKAT: HA!  
DAVE: im serious dude  
DAVE: i know my sincerity meters kinda hard to get a read on sometimes  
DAVE: especially when it comes to appreciation of pieces of shit  
DAVE: but i promise you karkat  
DAVE: this piece of shit and i are in love  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: oh yeah were the real fuckin deal  
DAVE: i am gonna cherish this piece of shit  
DAVE: hold it in my arms  
DAVE: treat it right  
DAVE: set up a retirement fund grow old together complain our kids dont call us enough  
KARKAT: THAT’S BEAUTIFUL.  
DAVE: hell yes it is  
DAVE: im so fucking glad you cant draw dude  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: oh yeah i wouldnt trade this drawing for all the recognizable giraffes in the world  
KARKAT: THANKS, DAVE.  
DAVE: you wanna try to guess another  
KARKAT: YEAH SURE.  
KARKAT: YOU START THIS TIME. I’LL SEE IF I CAN DECIPHER ANYTHING COHERENT THROUGH ALL THE DICKS.  
DAVE: good luck bro its gonna be a challenge  
KARKAT: I’M FUCKING READY.  
KARKAT: HIT ME.  



End file.
